I couldn't hold myself with mixed up emotion and confuse with what I really want.
Again today that J have broke my heart and get me almost to tears. I knew it is the same game all over again.
It was plain and simple... All I asked was to know if he is coming over to spend sometimes with me before I go for vacation. Which will be quite a long time. I would want to know if he ever will miss me if being away for that long time. Obviously, he do not have the same thought. I hated it when everything turns into game and laugh. Was it not serious enough when I said it is, was it not childish enough when I really need to be pamper? Neither of serious or childish is your preference. It get me confuse with your intention. What you want from me, what you expects from me?
I don't want to loose another opportunity just waiting for you not to tell me the real thing.
I am Tired.
Just in time for a great cure. That's when M that is always think of me even from a very far distance. He always asking me how am I doing even tho it was just short few words. It is totally different compared to J.
There came M at the same time chatting with me via YM. It is probably blessing in disguise that M immediately cure my broken heart with his sweet talk as usual. He just know how to say it right.
Its hard to know if everything is true as it may seems, or maybe it is the opposite I do not know.
At the other hand, J is all the opposite of M. J never say anything that make me feel good. There come M, he always said something that make me smile. Even tho M is not as special as J, but he did put efforts to make me feel better. (this is so denying truth to myself). Whatever it may be, J will never give me a clear answer. But M have just did express the words that I always want to hear.
Whether I really want M, I do. But I want J more than anything. But in the end, will it be too late to feel happy with either one of them? I am not excited to know, because neither will really give me everything that I need. Somehow, J always make me confuse. What do you really mean that you want me to be around and yet you do not want me?
Tell me the truth so I do not need to go around the bushes and searching everywhere to pick up all the puzzle you put up on the ground. Neither M too, how I wish I knew you earlier. How I wish you are closer to me. I would want to know how it become with you, M. I would want to know if you can defeat this heart and surrender to you entirely. To grab my spirit with love and pamper me like a child..... which I will never get from J.
*sorry the storyline went everywhere, that is as much showed my mixed up emotion*
