Felt lonely, numb, or happy? Don't know which one it is... but obviously boring.
After yesterday meet up with Jozy, I felt a brief satisfaction. The satisfaction of screwing him for what he had done. Worth it, but its sad to say what I said to someone that I care about. Somehow he should learn to appreciate a friendship and stop throwing away things that he should be saving instead of chasing for things that is only give temporary satisfaction.
Regardless how chaos it is going on inside, I woke up missing him. Wishing yesterday provocation will make it evens between us. I realised that somehow, life is not about revenging or pay-back. The bottom line, does it make you feel good or just the same or worst.
I would love to make it up and forget the past. Start anew and create a better path in this friendship. This morning phone calls from someone (HLJ) a dear friend that hurt me previously. It proves that no hurts can hurt you so much and yet it worth for you to save it once more.
HLJ have a unique character and loud person. He was once helping me to get up on my feet, somehow in the middle without known reason I became a "victim" of his childish judgment. Finally he probably come to his senses and tries to remedies the broken friendship.
As I always believe, this life is a round wheel. While you are on top, you shall not forget one day you will face the ground. With that, I give my ear listening to his defence. Everybody have equal right to give their explanation and justification.
Somehow, a broken friendship is complicated in many ways. Whether I forgive the history or not, the relationship is tinted. The effects can't be easily erase and expect the same as it was. Perhaps in period of time, the wound will be cured. Somehow the scar will not go away. When you see the scar, try not to recall the pain. Perhaps new encouragement will soothe this heart and groom the love again.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The New House of my own
Today I have spoken to my family.... last Skye conversation with them was almost two weeks ago. Lots have happened, and all is well. Better than ever.
Among the topic of discussion is mainly circle around the family matter and improvement of livelihood.
The story today is mainly to indicate how difficult it was to convince my mother to have a positive mind. All my career life I have been working abroad, ever since year 2003. Almost a decade spending my youth sacrificing self desire for others needs. Now time has come for me to think of my own need. Everything has changed towards the better; I am glad things turns out so well the recent years. Pray for this goodness will improve better in the future.
After planning for years, finally I come to this extend and able to make dreams alive. Just the way I always wanted for very long time.
My mother is one of the most difficult to bend; I guess you could see her in me. We are more alike, have our own opinion and strongly argue our mind to prove our stand. God blessed that I able to handle her. Today we had come to the common agreement to build a new house. It seems like the grudge she had for my brother is now subsided. My brother also would not felt the bias of my intention to build new house on my parent's old house plot.
This house will be mine. As my brother had his house just next to it, no bad feeling and the family is peaceful. This is the peace that I always wanted. When I said that I would want the house as mine, no objection from Big Bro and Mom. This is consider miracles that not always happen in our family. Usually my kind attention always create grudge between big bro and momma. Never had it easy agreement before. This time, it is pure blessing of doing things with pure intention and good will.
The actual plan was to build parent house in last year 2009, and prior to the actual construction I had make sure my brother's house is completed. So, momma and poppa can have good place while waiting for the parent house completed. Somehow, things didn't goes well as plan. It was because my momma often accuse of big bro digging over my financial supports. So we postpone the idea, but big bro house was completed by then.
God always have His way to show the best decision in this life. With big bro have his owned place and now I can have my own. Momma has no objection for the new house becomes mine because she knows that somehow, there will be not objections from anybody. She seems happy about it. Well it is about time that I have my own.
I have harboured this hope for many years and now it come true. With previous year action, new fruits can be harvest this year.
To tales more of previous year’s hard works, I never really know when the table will be my side. I have been putting efforts, many efforts to change family mind sets. Among of the major decision and the most effective effort was purchase the Native land. That land was my first asset after almost a decade works my butt out. The same time that was my last resort to educate the family that I am going to give up hope if they not willing to obey the goodness in life. That action was blessing in disguise. They finally understand that I need to move on and will not always be there if they are unwilling to keep the peace in this family. Part of today discussion, I came to understand that, the land area was understated because of negligent information of greedy neighbouring land owner.
The lie today reveals itself when other neighbouring land owner understood that I was cheated. Therefore, they advise to claim the entire land including the other half. With this additional land area, I consider it as the blessing of dealing honest trade with my previous land owner. With this additional bonus, I agreed to momma's suggestion to give the additional area for big bro. I agreed, and big bro is even happier. I agreed to it is not simply because of generous heart, but it is far beyond that. It is to ensure both of them, momma and big bro will work towards resolving their grudge for each other. I have faith for this hunch.
I believe with all my heart that once the new house completed, it is just the beginning for the better and happier years ahead. Thank God for all this goodness in my life.
Among the topic of discussion is mainly circle around the family matter and improvement of livelihood.
The story today is mainly to indicate how difficult it was to convince my mother to have a positive mind. All my career life I have been working abroad, ever since year 2003. Almost a decade spending my youth sacrificing self desire for others needs. Now time has come for me to think of my own need. Everything has changed towards the better; I am glad things turns out so well the recent years. Pray for this goodness will improve better in the future.
After planning for years, finally I come to this extend and able to make dreams alive. Just the way I always wanted for very long time.
My mother is one of the most difficult to bend; I guess you could see her in me. We are more alike, have our own opinion and strongly argue our mind to prove our stand. God blessed that I able to handle her. Today we had come to the common agreement to build a new house. It seems like the grudge she had for my brother is now subsided. My brother also would not felt the bias of my intention to build new house on my parent's old house plot.
This house will be mine. As my brother had his house just next to it, no bad feeling and the family is peaceful. This is the peace that I always wanted. When I said that I would want the house as mine, no objection from Big Bro and Mom. This is consider miracles that not always happen in our family. Usually my kind attention always create grudge between big bro and momma. Never had it easy agreement before. This time, it is pure blessing of doing things with pure intention and good will.
The actual plan was to build parent house in last year 2009, and prior to the actual construction I had make sure my brother's house is completed. So, momma and poppa can have good place while waiting for the parent house completed. Somehow, things didn't goes well as plan. It was because my momma often accuse of big bro digging over my financial supports. So we postpone the idea, but big bro house was completed by then.
God always have His way to show the best decision in this life. With big bro have his owned place and now I can have my own. Momma has no objection for the new house becomes mine because she knows that somehow, there will be not objections from anybody. She seems happy about it. Well it is about time that I have my own.
I have harboured this hope for many years and now it come true. With previous year action, new fruits can be harvest this year.
To tales more of previous year’s hard works, I never really know when the table will be my side. I have been putting efforts, many efforts to change family mind sets. Among of the major decision and the most effective effort was purchase the Native land. That land was my first asset after almost a decade works my butt out. The same time that was my last resort to educate the family that I am going to give up hope if they not willing to obey the goodness in life. That action was blessing in disguise. They finally understand that I need to move on and will not always be there if they are unwilling to keep the peace in this family. Part of today discussion, I came to understand that, the land area was understated because of negligent information of greedy neighbouring land owner.
The lie today reveals itself when other neighbouring land owner understood that I was cheated. Therefore, they advise to claim the entire land including the other half. With this additional land area, I consider it as the blessing of dealing honest trade with my previous land owner. With this additional bonus, I agreed to momma's suggestion to give the additional area for big bro. I agreed, and big bro is even happier. I agreed to it is not simply because of generous heart, but it is far beyond that. It is to ensure both of them, momma and big bro will work towards resolving their grudge for each other. I have faith for this hunch.
I believe with all my heart that once the new house completed, it is just the beginning for the better and happier years ahead. Thank God for all this goodness in my life.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Soul of Happiness is Your Real Heart
It is such a good day to start with something positive and productive.
Even a crazy idea can make you laugh or cry. I had a great start this morning, to had the talk that I never able to have with my special friend Jozy.
It could be very difficult to have this talk before. But the entire incident that almost causing the end of a friendship previously are finally come in handy and this will be witness of having positive heart, genuine soul and self-conscious. Bravo to myself for mastering "The Secret" of finding real heart within this tiny soul.
Because of having determination to have happy productive life, positive thinking and believing in right judgment with pure intention, I now know that the soul of happiness is set within our self. That is an asset that no ones can take away. Having the trust of your own heart does give you inner strength to go through every hurdle in life.
Regardless of what so ever pain that you face at this moment, believe it will groom you to be a better person. Regardless how down you feels, it always turns out beyond your expectations.
As I always quote:
It may sound like a pathetic lunatic who think these words are only imaginations. But I believe life is full of challenge and not always it turn out as we want it, just it always somehow give you better education in life. The life you really deserve. Never ever ask if others deserve you, but ask whether they deserve you for whom you are. That lesson learned will make you shine brighter than ever, invaluable.
To know own self is not easy as words are written, but it takes years to discover all the missing pieces and sure it will pictures the "Garden of Eden" of your soul.
Even a crazy idea can make you laugh or cry. I had a great start this morning, to had the talk that I never able to have with my special friend Jozy.
It could be very difficult to have this talk before. But the entire incident that almost causing the end of a friendship previously are finally come in handy and this will be witness of having positive heart, genuine soul and self-conscious. Bravo to myself for mastering "The Secret" of finding real heart within this tiny soul.
Because of having determination to have happy productive life, positive thinking and believing in right judgment with pure intention, I now know that the soul of happiness is set within our self. That is an asset that no ones can take away. Having the trust of your own heart does give you inner strength to go through every hurdle in life.
Regardless of what so ever pain that you face at this moment, believe it will groom you to be a better person. Regardless how down you feels, it always turns out beyond your expectations.
As I always quote:
"Do not chase for things that not belong to you, make it happened within your grasp, and only takes endowment instead of wanting the universe. All you have is the real you, that is your privilege".
Make efforts to achieve what you desire, but not chasing it in dream simply because you think it only give you benefits. That is temporary satisfactions, not the real gift. It tends to subside in period of time when the sweet has dried. Nothing can be achieved in just a split second, let time decide for you. Just believe in yourself and your accomplishment is only exclusive for you entirely. Nobody can take it even if they took away your physical body, it is something they can not touch or tamper with. Make it happened with your true self, but not with tricks and lies. You will enjoy the fruits until the end of times.It may sound like a pathetic lunatic who think these words are only imaginations. But I believe life is full of challenge and not always it turn out as we want it, just it always somehow give you better education in life. The life you really deserve. Never ever ask if others deserve you, but ask whether they deserve you for whom you are. That lesson learned will make you shine brighter than ever, invaluable.
To know own self is not easy as words are written, but it takes years to discover all the missing pieces and sure it will pictures the "Garden of Eden" of your soul.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Lost In Directions
I don't really know what happened to me... but obviously I am less inspired for the past few weeks.
I felt emotion transitions, that is doing no good to me. Every time this changes will always make me even more numb than before, part of it teach me to be strong and independent.
Half of me like it, half of me carefree and do not bother of what it will cost me. Still, somehow, I'm sure of what I want in this life. But will that be value if I lost my human emotions? We will never know, maybe it will goes well? Perhaps we shall think positive...
Well, as I was full of emotions kind of person, I realised that today, I have changed. If previous years, I would not make anyone do bad thing or manipulate them to break a rule. But today I realised that I purposely did lure someone to do something to break their Ramadan fasting. I know it is bad, and this is my confession.
Another thing that I do today is seducing someone in the early morning after sohor started. Well, my intention was not as bad, just want to know if that person interested at me or not. Well, that is typical me. It is such an inner-self accomplishment to know that I am hotter than ever. Unlike my younger age, I had no attention at all. Now is the time that I get all the attention I can have. My age is approaching 30 very soon, and only now that I get all the attention and good things happened to me. But I have to look much deeper than the shallow water. Many says that, success will only come in the late years, well, I can smell that I am running toward my happy years ahead.
There it goes, I accomplish two things today. First I get someone to do cyber webcam sex with me at the early morning after sohor. The second is to get someone admitted interest towards me. I have accomplished two things that I never had in younger years. That is the confident that I have built in the recent years.!!!! Not that I do not have self esteems as I have now, just that I have better knowledge and experience of studying peoples needs and desire after many years of observing human mind and characters. I even make myself think that I actually a good psychiatrist if I were majoring in this field.. I always wanted to help people in their life. Always wanted to be part of their life. If not contributing as much, at least to bring some inspiring memories will make me feel alive and immortal in this world even after I'm gone.
Now is time to toning with my eccentric desire of being young forever. Enjoy every single moment in my up coming 30th birthday rather than fill this heart with unaccomplished desires just the way I sacrifices everything many years ago simply for the well beings of others. I am no longer a weak and soft heart as I was, but yet, I am not cruel.
Owh, I still thought that I lost myself entirely.. perhaps part of me still hang on to what I believe... after write everything here... I probably shall just go with the flow and see how it goes... perhaps this changes is not as bad as I thought it will turn out. Perhaps it is just another period of circle before age 30...
I felt emotion transitions, that is doing no good to me. Every time this changes will always make me even more numb than before, part of it teach me to be strong and independent.
Half of me like it, half of me carefree and do not bother of what it will cost me. Still, somehow, I'm sure of what I want in this life. But will that be value if I lost my human emotions? We will never know, maybe it will goes well? Perhaps we shall think positive...
Well, as I was full of emotions kind of person, I realised that today, I have changed. If previous years, I would not make anyone do bad thing or manipulate them to break a rule. But today I realised that I purposely did lure someone to do something to break their Ramadan fasting. I know it is bad, and this is my confession.
Another thing that I do today is seducing someone in the early morning after sohor started. Well, my intention was not as bad, just want to know if that person interested at me or not. Well, that is typical me. It is such an inner-self accomplishment to know that I am hotter than ever. Unlike my younger age, I had no attention at all. Now is the time that I get all the attention I can have. My age is approaching 30 very soon, and only now that I get all the attention and good things happened to me. But I have to look much deeper than the shallow water. Many says that, success will only come in the late years, well, I can smell that I am running toward my happy years ahead.
There it goes, I accomplish two things today. First I get someone to do cyber webcam sex with me at the early morning after sohor. The second is to get someone admitted interest towards me. I have accomplished two things that I never had in younger years. That is the confident that I have built in the recent years.!!!! Not that I do not have self esteems as I have now, just that I have better knowledge and experience of studying peoples needs and desire after many years of observing human mind and characters. I even make myself think that I actually a good psychiatrist if I were majoring in this field.. I always wanted to help people in their life. Always wanted to be part of their life. If not contributing as much, at least to bring some inspiring memories will make me feel alive and immortal in this world even after I'm gone.
Now is time to toning with my eccentric desire of being young forever. Enjoy every single moment in my up coming 30th birthday rather than fill this heart with unaccomplished desires just the way I sacrifices everything many years ago simply for the well beings of others. I am no longer a weak and soft heart as I was, but yet, I am not cruel.
Owh, I still thought that I lost myself entirely.. perhaps part of me still hang on to what I believe... after write everything here... I probably shall just go with the flow and see how it goes... perhaps this changes is not as bad as I thought it will turn out. Perhaps it is just another period of circle before age 30...
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Instinct
Anthony Hopkins is among the best actor in my favorite at all time.
His movie have moved many heart and touched the deepest basic instinct in human. The real peace, the genuine care, away from the greed, pure and natural of pure good or bad in human heart.
The movie "Instinct" is among my favorite movies by Anthony Hopkins. It is hard to describe in words, but it make me understand how human can be so deeply connected with nature and understand them.
All I like to say, I love this movie. Just watch it if anyone do read this.
His movie have moved many heart and touched the deepest basic instinct in human. The real peace, the genuine care, away from the greed, pure and natural of pure good or bad in human heart.
The movie "Instinct" is among my favorite movies by Anthony Hopkins. It is hard to describe in words, but it make me understand how human can be so deeply connected with nature and understand them.
All I like to say, I love this movie. Just watch it if anyone do read this.
God please help me.
As intense it is, life seems to be really boring without anything to do. It is not as easy as I thought just stick around and do nothing.
Now life is meaningless without real thing to do. I hate being depress and being numb without expressing my deepest heartache.
Mixes feeling of being lonely, bored, lazy and unchallenged make me so hopeless. The most feeling I felt all day is missing someone. Missed the day we had before. Part of me just does not want to let go, do not want to accept the fact that I am actually depress.
This so call depression that I have is nothing much about work, nor financial problem or troubling life, but it is obviously how I felt about myself lately.
With two of my best friend is now being really distance from me and another dear friend is getting further and further from me. I just think that something is not really right and need fixing before chronic. Is this feeling just on my side, or it is what I did that caused all this? I do not know.
All this matter seems to be really wasting time and destroying brain cell. I hate being depressed and think that I did something wrong.
“Well I believe that I am too arrogant to admit weakness, therefore I move on with harden heartache.”
No doubt this make me strong and cold heart freak, but question is, what is wrong with me? Where is the wrong?
Will I be able to get over this and get it back again? I do not want to be lonely and friendless…..
Should I just leave it as it is and let the memories cure the sourness… Always pray that I will have my best friends well and happy with their life.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Congratulation, you murdered me..
For every single moment after the fight with you, I wondering why it should happen in the first place. Why it have to be a fight when it comes about you and me? Why can't we be just like other friends.? Why it must be so sensitive in every way? Why it so special?
Then I ponder along the night, not regretting the message I sent you during the day. I come to my sense that is because deep down we do care for each other more than anyone else would care of each other.
The sad part I concluded that I never want to interrupt in your relationship. I do not want to be the reason to cause you pain and misery. I am tired fighting with you all the time. I hate to loose all the love that I have for you, but it all making sense that I have to preceding this issue.
We probably too close to be able to communicate entirely true to each other, or it is just another way that we both want to get rid of our beautiful moment in the past. Yet we can't just throw that away, and yet we can't live in this fantasy dream land.
Instead, I know how it feel heart broken. I do not wish more of this pain.
Last night, I thought of you and me. So much that I would want to tell you. But I don't know how. It seems came out wrong when I speak out each time.
But I really wish that your lover would take good care of you. I hope that he will be there with you in every moment you need him. I hope he will be your best friend to listen to your heart and pain. I wish that I the one to be there for you, but I can't now. I can't face all this fight every time I try to share with you my point of view.
I just do not know what else that could be done to let you understand my heart and love for you. It seems you will always mistaken it with some other kind of love. I am sorry, probably it is my fault to lead you feeling at such. But probably it is partly because you are too young to understand the real meaning of friendship and love relationship.
I wish you well, I wish you happy and I always wish for your success in life. I did tried to get away from you before, but this time maybe I would try for the last time.
Then I ponder along the night, not regretting the message I sent you during the day. I come to my sense that is because deep down we do care for each other more than anyone else would care of each other.
The sad part I concluded that I never want to interrupt in your relationship. I do not want to be the reason to cause you pain and misery. I am tired fighting with you all the time. I hate to loose all the love that I have for you, but it all making sense that I have to preceding this issue.
We probably too close to be able to communicate entirely true to each other, or it is just another way that we both want to get rid of our beautiful moment in the past. Yet we can't just throw that away, and yet we can't live in this fantasy dream land.
Instead, I know how it feel heart broken. I do not wish more of this pain.
Last night, I thought of you and me. So much that I would want to tell you. But I don't know how. It seems came out wrong when I speak out each time.
But I really wish that your lover would take good care of you. I hope that he will be there with you in every moment you need him. I hope he will be your best friend to listen to your heart and pain. I wish that I the one to be there for you, but I can't now. I can't face all this fight every time I try to share with you my point of view.
I just do not know what else that could be done to let you understand my heart and love for you. It seems you will always mistaken it with some other kind of love. I am sorry, probably it is my fault to lead you feeling at such. But probably it is partly because you are too young to understand the real meaning of friendship and love relationship.
I wish you well, I wish you happy and I always wish for your success in life. I did tried to get away from you before, but this time maybe I would try for the last time.
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