Lost In Directions

I don't really know what happened to me... but obviously I am less inspired for the past few weeks.

I felt emotion transitions, that is doing no good to me. Every time this changes will always make me even more numb than before, part of it teach me to be strong and independent.

Half of me like it, half of me carefree and do not bother of what it will cost me. Still, somehow, I'm sure of what I want in this life. But will that be value if I lost my human emotions? We will never know, maybe it will goes well? Perhaps we shall think positive...

Well, as I was full of emotions kind of person, I realised that today, I have changed. If previous years, I would not make anyone do bad thing or manipulate them to break a rule. But today I realised that I purposely did lure someone to do something to break their Ramadan fasting. I know it is bad, and this is my confession.

Another thing that I do today is seducing someone in the early morning after sohor started. Well, my intention was not as bad, just want to know if that person interested at me or not. Well, that is typical me. It is such an inner-self accomplishment to know that I am hotter than ever. Unlike my younger age, I had no attention at all. Now is the time that I get all the attention I can have. My age is approaching 30 very soon, and only now that I get all the attention and good things happened to me. But I have to look much deeper than the shallow water. Many says that, success will only come in the late years, well, I can smell that I am running toward my happy years ahead.

There it goes, I accomplish two things today. First I get someone to do cyber webcam sex with me at the early morning after sohor. The second is to get someone admitted interest towards me. I have accomplished two things that I never had in younger years. That is the confident that I have built in the recent years.!!!! Not that I do not have self esteems as I have now, just that I have better knowledge and experience of studying peoples needs and desire after many years of observing human mind and characters. I even make myself think that I actually a good psychiatrist if I were majoring in this field.. I always wanted to help people in their life. Always wanted to be part of their life. If not contributing as much, at least to bring some inspiring memories will make me feel alive and immortal in this world even after I'm gone.

Now is time to toning with my eccentric desire of being young forever. Enjoy every single moment in my up coming 30th birthday rather than fill this heart with unaccomplished desires just the way I sacrifices everything many years ago simply for the well beings of others. I am no longer a weak and soft heart as I was, but yet, I am not cruel.

Owh, I still thought that I lost myself entirely.. perhaps part of me still hang on to what I believe... after write everything here... I probably shall just go with the flow and see how it goes... perhaps this changes is not as bad as I thought it will turn out. Perhaps it is just another period of circle before age 30...