It was just yesterday that I found peace in myself.
I do not wish the closure end badly. In the end it didn't..
At least I know where I stand. No matter how I have tried..
I can't force the nature, neither to make a friend understand, neither make time turn back and erase the bad tragedy.
If we wish to believe what we believe, everything will be as what we believe. But, sometimes things aren't always as we thought. Therefore, I had it enough. Enough for me to dwell whether I am wrong or not. No more. It is obvious the caused was not really matter anymore.
It was just yesterday, somehow, it hurts... Its really hurts being in the place as a friend, and the otherwise in the other hand.
Somehow, whether it was just yesterday you accepted my friendship, and you dishonor it today.. I couldn't care less. For me you are still a friend although you think it otherwise. You have the freedom to choose what you believe in. I couldn't make you think and decide for you.
No matter. It feel like just yesterday that we are friend.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The Prayer
There is a time, I really wanted to be complete.
A complete person with everything he could wish for. Everything that a man would want for himself. The money, the happiness, the life, the love, the opportunity and the power... however, power is not what I really desire.
Its now toward end of May. It will be family celebration I suppose. But I am unable to attend since I have to stay in Libya and work. I do hope the sacrifice will be worth it in the end.
This topic basically a short note, how I wish my fortune will turn and bring all brand new positive life.
This Saturday will be the beginning of everything. I don not know what will be the outcomes, but for the better or worst, I am quite optimistic that the company will further discussion with my M.D. Somehow, I still believe previous fortune teller told me that after month of May, I will have whole new point of view about life. Somehow, most of the thing he said happened, but not really turned out well. Therefore, I couldn't be very trusting fortune teller with hundred percent. But the good thing he make me have hope and driving mind to look forward. I should fight for what I will become or deserves for future. That is what it suppose to mean. I can't just wait and rely on luck. It will be excellent to have destiny and efforts combined together. Be a great achievements.
Finger cross. With pure intention for the future, for well being of family, for career achievement, for time to change...God will be with me. The main priority is to get it going, to get my priority straight.
Pray with me. Pray that I will have the charisma and the capability to convince them with our company capability. Pray for the better. It is time to get things right. Pray that I will make it work smoothly.
A complete person with everything he could wish for. Everything that a man would want for himself. The money, the happiness, the life, the love, the opportunity and the power... however, power is not what I really desire.
Its now toward end of May. It will be family celebration I suppose. But I am unable to attend since I have to stay in Libya and work. I do hope the sacrifice will be worth it in the end.
This topic basically a short note, how I wish my fortune will turn and bring all brand new positive life.
This Saturday will be the beginning of everything. I don not know what will be the outcomes, but for the better or worst, I am quite optimistic that the company will further discussion with my M.D. Somehow, I still believe previous fortune teller told me that after month of May, I will have whole new point of view about life. Somehow, most of the thing he said happened, but not really turned out well. Therefore, I couldn't be very trusting fortune teller with hundred percent. But the good thing he make me have hope and driving mind to look forward. I should fight for what I will become or deserves for future. That is what it suppose to mean. I can't just wait and rely on luck. It will be excellent to have destiny and efforts combined together. Be a great achievements.
Finger cross. With pure intention for the future, for well being of family, for career achievement, for time to change...God will be with me. The main priority is to get it going, to get my priority straight.
Pray with me. Pray that I will have the charisma and the capability to convince them with our company capability. Pray for the better. It is time to get things right. Pray that I will make it work smoothly.
The Mutual Promise
Today the 26th May 2010, I anxiously waiting for your call to reconfirm the time we would meet up.
Even though I know that you never break your promise, but I felt uneasy. I was right from the beginning. My worries were actually valid; you were still considering the appointment we made yesterday. I couldn’t blame you for being in that state of mind. It is very hard to do, but you encourage yourself to faced it. I envy you for what you’ve done today.
Today, or better say it tonight. When I see you with your purple shirt, the favourite jean (my favourite) and the silver shade… all the favourite things I like on you, you appear there at the same place, except I didn’t see the comforting smile. I wish I could run toward you and hug you whole. I guess that is just happening in my mind. I wish I could do that, it shows how much I have missed you for the past few days. But I didn’t even see a sweet natural smile that I saw before…. I know why.
Tears almost flooding my eye lids, I wouldn’t want to show you that scene and spoils everything. I know one step wrong will make thing worse. Therefore, I let the silent moment persist.
There is no sound of our favourite songs. There is no laughter from your notorious havoc… basically today is an empty day, but full of meaning.
I pray for the best… I do not want you to distance yourself too far. It’s enough for me to know that you still care for me. It’s enough for me to spoke out my real mind telling you how much I care for you. It’s not the thirst for a lover love kind of love. But I expressed my love for you is more of care for you. I care for you very much, very very very very much!!! I wish you know how much it is. It doesn’t matter if you care for me the same or less. I just want you to know that I care for you very much. So much that it is not even categorised in any kind of love that I ever knew before. But don’t be mistaken the meaning of this love. It’s not the same kind that we knew all these times. Perhaps I describe it as heavenly love, which I suppose it mean special kind of care.
Now we will walk side by side with the same direction of care for each other. We are more than anything. We are not lover, we are not brother, we are not best friend, but we are something greater than any of those. This “Care” will substitute all the love in any relationship.
Tears begin to flood my eye lids. I guess it is the sense of relief. Now it is purely mutual “care” between us. I don’t know how much, but it is enough. I don’t want anything else; it’s enough to know you have forgiven me.
From now on, promise me, no matter what happened, either whatever we dislike about each other, please be honest toward each other. Perhaps a soul will not complete if the other half doesn’t guide the other.
Even though I know that you never break your promise, but I felt uneasy. I was right from the beginning. My worries were actually valid; you were still considering the appointment we made yesterday. I couldn’t blame you for being in that state of mind. It is very hard to do, but you encourage yourself to faced it. I envy you for what you’ve done today.
Today, or better say it tonight. When I see you with your purple shirt, the favourite jean (my favourite) and the silver shade… all the favourite things I like on you, you appear there at the same place, except I didn’t see the comforting smile. I wish I could run toward you and hug you whole. I guess that is just happening in my mind. I wish I could do that, it shows how much I have missed you for the past few days. But I didn’t even see a sweet natural smile that I saw before…. I know why.
Tears almost flooding my eye lids, I wouldn’t want to show you that scene and spoils everything. I know one step wrong will make thing worse. Therefore, I let the silent moment persist.
There is no sound of our favourite songs. There is no laughter from your notorious havoc… basically today is an empty day, but full of meaning.
I pray for the best… I do not want you to distance yourself too far. It’s enough for me to know that you still care for me. It’s enough for me to spoke out my real mind telling you how much I care for you. It’s not the thirst for a lover love kind of love. But I expressed my love for you is more of care for you. I care for you very much, very very very very much!!! I wish you know how much it is. It doesn’t matter if you care for me the same or less. I just want you to know that I care for you very much. So much that it is not even categorised in any kind of love that I ever knew before. But don’t be mistaken the meaning of this love. It’s not the same kind that we knew all these times. Perhaps I describe it as heavenly love, which I suppose it mean special kind of care.
Now we will walk side by side with the same direction of care for each other. We are more than anything. We are not lover, we are not brother, we are not best friend, but we are something greater than any of those. This “Care” will substitute all the love in any relationship.
Tears begin to flood my eye lids. I guess it is the sense of relief. Now it is purely mutual “care” between us. I don’t know how much, but it is enough. I don’t want anything else; it’s enough to know you have forgiven me.
From now on, promise me, no matter what happened, either whatever we dislike about each other, please be honest toward each other. Perhaps a soul will not complete if the other half doesn’t guide the other.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The other half of Lost soul
On 25th May 2010, Tuesday, is the 4th day of revelation. The sun is almost set, I waiting for your call as I was told or even promised by someone else that he will make you call me. I still doubt that will happen in the first place. I look at the sky and see the sun is quarterly above the horizon. My tear inevitably falls, the mind is cocooning and all the sudden this sad feeling hit me. I couldn’t control my tears; I couldn’t imagine what it will be if you will never call me again.
I wonder why this whole tragedy happened in the first place. But I dare not to make serious accusation. The plot is too synchronised and well directed, just the way there were a director directing it… I know it’s not your intention; perhaps there is someone that is doing this… I still couldn’t believe, what have gone wrong. But I’m sure, the director of this whole scene was caused by own doing.. Regardless how much we want to blame others for it, but I suppose I have to blame myself.
On the beach site where we used to spend our spare time, I sat down with a friend. He is a friend that we just knew very recently. Among all, I do not know why I called him and meet him today. But I guess, he will understand how it feels to be missing someone. Perhaps also he doesn’t really know what is going on between you and me, but that is not the matter. I am so innocent that I thought that this dramatic personal matter were just keep among each individual hearts, but it was in fact the other way. I am clueless, but all are aware.
This friend and I were talking mostly. He quietly listens to the whole story. With a very patients heart he only listens, overall being emphatic to what he heard. I trust he could have been stop me but he didn’t. I really appreciate it. Then I know, this friend is honest and sincere. Otherwise, I would be just a laughs.
I was pretty hesitate, worry, wondering if you would not answer my call today. Thank God that you did. It’s like a whole new sunrise at the time I hear you voice, time stood still for a second. My life seems to be brightening even though the sun is setting. I am very grateful. My messed up brain finally put a fuss stop against all the questions mark. Your voice totally changed my tearing heart in a split second when you agreed to meet up tomorrow. I finally can smile again.
Life is moving forward again. I am very grateful I do not loose you entirely. I know that now, I will not risk anything in future. I will do anything to avoid loosing you. My love to you is far beyond anything that anyone could describe. Today I know that this love is not meant to be broken. Today I know that nothing could replace you. I will not risk it to be in the same situation anymore. No even I know why this love that is too great, even greater than me.
I guess it is another half of my heart. Without the other half, I couldn’t have survived this dark period. This love is unknown, not in any category of love that I ever knew. Perhaps it is the soul, oh, perhaps it is the soul!! It’s the other half that was lost all these years.
p/s: Read my blog at http://goldfishinpond.blogspot.com/
I wonder why this whole tragedy happened in the first place. But I dare not to make serious accusation. The plot is too synchronised and well directed, just the way there were a director directing it… I know it’s not your intention; perhaps there is someone that is doing this… I still couldn’t believe, what have gone wrong. But I’m sure, the director of this whole scene was caused by own doing.. Regardless how much we want to blame others for it, but I suppose I have to blame myself.
On the beach site where we used to spend our spare time, I sat down with a friend. He is a friend that we just knew very recently. Among all, I do not know why I called him and meet him today. But I guess, he will understand how it feels to be missing someone. Perhaps also he doesn’t really know what is going on between you and me, but that is not the matter. I am so innocent that I thought that this dramatic personal matter were just keep among each individual hearts, but it was in fact the other way. I am clueless, but all are aware.
This friend and I were talking mostly. He quietly listens to the whole story. With a very patients heart he only listens, overall being emphatic to what he heard. I trust he could have been stop me but he didn’t. I really appreciate it. Then I know, this friend is honest and sincere. Otherwise, I would be just a laughs.
I was pretty hesitate, worry, wondering if you would not answer my call today. Thank God that you did. It’s like a whole new sunrise at the time I hear you voice, time stood still for a second. My life seems to be brightening even though the sun is setting. I am very grateful. My messed up brain finally put a fuss stop against all the questions mark. Your voice totally changed my tearing heart in a split second when you agreed to meet up tomorrow. I finally can smile again.
Life is moving forward again. I am very grateful I do not loose you entirely. I know that now, I will not risk anything in future. I will do anything to avoid loosing you. My love to you is far beyond anything that anyone could describe. Today I know that this love is not meant to be broken. Today I know that nothing could replace you. I will not risk it to be in the same situation anymore. No even I know why this love that is too great, even greater than me.
I guess it is another half of my heart. Without the other half, I couldn’t have survived this dark period. This love is unknown, not in any category of love that I ever knew. Perhaps it is the soul, oh, perhaps it is the soul!! It’s the other half that was lost all these years.
p/s: Read my blog at http://goldfishinpond.blog
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
We are the Raison d'etre of this Folie à deux
Today, a friend have occupied my mind with all the new words that I never learn before.
I am grateful for what he did. I feel little sense of reliefs from the stress that jammed all over my thought.
As much I tried to make myself busy I still couldn't get rid of one thing .... it is just keep nagging my head. But later, John did sent me a word which describe it plain and simple. It is the "Raison d'etre". Which mean that Reason of being, Reason for Living, Purpose. It really would describe this mixed emotions that I have at the moment.
Well then, I later think it over again and again... as much as I try not to make this life so much drama... the more it becomes... It is simple because of another words that John describes to me. The word of "Folie à deux". From the French for "a madness shared by two".
Life is always a reality stage, where drama is played in our daily routine.. But what really amazed me, whether this is just my life that seems to be so dramatic and fulls of silliness... or others really faced the similar days. Well, I know there is one of them that is basically living in the fantasy of fairytale. We shared the similar point of view... But I would like to keep my life more positive... I still wanted to have hope in it... It keeps me moving on, although others would think the opposite.
Somehow, I try... this life is always the "Raison d'etre".
P/s: you all may refer the meaning of the above in :
I am grateful for what he did. I feel little sense of reliefs from the stress that jammed all over my thought.
As much I tried to make myself busy I still couldn't get rid of one thing .... it is just keep nagging my head. But later, John did sent me a word which describe it plain and simple. It is the "Raison d'etre". Which mean that Reason of being, Reason for Living, Purpose. It really would describe this mixed emotions that I have at the moment.
Well then, I later think it over again and again... as much as I try not to make this life so much drama... the more it becomes... It is simple because of another words that John describes to me. The word of "Folie à deux". From the French for "a madness shared by two".
Life is always a reality stage, where drama is played in our daily routine.. But what really amazed me, whether this is just my life that seems to be so dramatic and fulls of silliness... or others really faced the similar days. Well, I know there is one of them that is basically living in the fantasy of fairytale. We shared the similar point of view... But I would like to keep my life more positive... I still wanted to have hope in it... It keeps me moving on, although others would think the opposite.
Somehow, I try... this life is always the "Raison d'etre".
P/s: you all may refer the meaning of the above in :
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folie_%C3%A0_deux
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raison_d%27etre
Monday, May 24, 2010
You missout something
You said it is beautiful thing when you missed me... or it is just my heart that comforting myself, perhaps you meant it otherwise....
I told you that I am in danger, and you only asked one word.... When I call you back this morning, you did not answer... But then later you sent me message and comfort me not to worry...
Does that really waive all your worries...? I do not know. Instead, your friend would have immediately asked me about it.. and he said what have happened?... But don't you want to know what was really happened? Hear it first hand from me? Or perhaps it was not important at all.... I guess, I live or die, you would not know it if you are not interested to hear from me.
You said you can't face it, yet we are just another individual to each other... why can't you face the fact and then still hiding behind that curtain and shield off the real feeling you have? Isn't we supposes to spend it together while we still can and make it the most prettiest moment of our life?
I spent the whole day try to make myself busy... but every second in my conscious mind I thought of you.... No doubt I can move on with my daily life, but what will it bring for me without you to share my happy or sad days? I was in that kind of life before I meet you, the kind of life that nothing is interesting because none to share with..... now I am back to where I came from, turning back to the most boring years in my life.... why you have to take our happiness away and left me alone...?
But it is a day that I learns to be left behind. Today that I learned to remember you from the our songs... Today that I learned living without you is just another day.... breathing but not alive. Perhaps If I still have you in my heart... it could have make big different although it is away half of the universe distances. Your love would make me strong, you smile would lift my heart alive... your words would inspires me...
What else that I could do without you? Life is just another empty shell that looks beautiful after it die. They probably will see the smiles on my face, they probably will see my courage during the days.... but they will never know how much I am struggle to smile, struggle to be brave enough to walk onward...
whatever, wherever, whenever, however... you have miss-out something...you think it too short and do not look it forward.... you are afraid of the direction that you are already stepped your feet in... you are afraid to admit the reality... you are forgetting that the only reason I am still standing strong is because of you. Because, for you I still have hope.
I told you that I am in danger, and you only asked one word.... When I call you back this morning, you did not answer... But then later you sent me message and comfort me not to worry...
Does that really waive all your worries...? I do not know. Instead, your friend would have immediately asked me about it.. and he said what have happened?... But don't you want to know what was really happened? Hear it first hand from me? Or perhaps it was not important at all.... I guess, I live or die, you would not know it if you are not interested to hear from me.
You said you can't face it, yet we are just another individual to each other... why can't you face the fact and then still hiding behind that curtain and shield off the real feeling you have? Isn't we supposes to spend it together while we still can and make it the most prettiest moment of our life?
I spent the whole day try to make myself busy... but every second in my conscious mind I thought of you.... No doubt I can move on with my daily life, but what will it bring for me without you to share my happy or sad days? I was in that kind of life before I meet you, the kind of life that nothing is interesting because none to share with..... now I am back to where I came from, turning back to the most boring years in my life.... why you have to take our happiness away and left me alone...?
But it is a day that I learns to be left behind. Today that I learned to remember you from the our songs... Today that I learned living without you is just another day.... breathing but not alive. Perhaps If I still have you in my heart... it could have make big different although it is away half of the universe distances. Your love would make me strong, you smile would lift my heart alive... your words would inspires me...
What else that I could do without you? Life is just another empty shell that looks beautiful after it die. They probably will see the smiles on my face, they probably will see my courage during the days.... but they will never know how much I am struggle to smile, struggle to be brave enough to walk onward...
whatever, wherever, whenever, however... you have miss-out something...you think it too short and do not look it forward.... you are afraid of the direction that you are already stepped your feet in... you are afraid to admit the reality... you are forgetting that the only reason I am still standing strong is because of you. Because, for you I still have hope.
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