The Odd Love

It is funny that this idea come pouring to my mind while watching "Something's Gotta Give".

It so much feeling involves in this movies, I basically wish it would happened to me. Specially the part where, Harry got Erica back in his life after he finally able to commit that he is actually in love with Erica.

In this movie, Erica is an elder women who felt in love with Harry the swinger, at the same time there is a young Doctor who really admire Erica's work (Broadway play) and falls in love with her. Well, sure you all know the story if you did watch the movie. Quite a famous movie at it time though.

During watching this movie. I wish the plot and the ending of this movie will be just like the way I wish my love story would be. Odd to say this, but there is nothing similar in actual story of my own. The movie was about two older lover which having a younger man in between. Well, my story is much more that I am the older man and they are the young couple. Don't get me wrong, I do accepted that probably they are better off together instead of having me as the old dog in their love life. Sometimes it is pity to think of why should I feel this much love over a person that would never love me the same. The different is, movie do get happy ending. Unlike real life, it not always as we wanted or wish it to be. Somehow, if love turns out well as we expected, then no thrill in this life anymore. Perhaps that is the key to this whole thing, the thrill to feel the love. More you chase, the more you wanting it even though you know it probably isn't yours to take.

"I am just overwhelmed by the feeling watching this movie. How deep down I wish that the situation would be the same for me. Wish that someone that I love would choose me instead of another person."

Well, to be fair to myself, I decided to keep my positive mind together. Pitiful telling myself that someday he will realise that the love I offer is rarely to be found elsewhere. I live on to it, until I really found someone that really loves me just is.

Couldn't stop telling myself that " I love You " all the time, missing you all the time and thinking of you every-times.

I wish it could have been different in reality, just good enough to make me feel happy just the way movies always did.

Meroyan / Hysterical

What to do now? So boring la......

I suppose to do work and went up to my office which just few steps from bedroom. Now everything is well set up, tea is ready, flip through the voucher and then finished. Nothing else... just nothing else, aside from the report the MD would want me to do, but it will only take me few hours to finalise with excel formula.. so its another boring thing.... already two week this table is left empty and the document is just simply pile on t each other and no further update to it. The completion report that client been asking is no longer valid in my mind because the hand-over paper is signed and I am too lazy to do anything.... why should there be a gap at the first place. why should there be a holiday mood when I suppose to run like crazy to set up for the next project planning? Perhaps it is just too boring and too light to finish in a very short time.

Well, the Ramadan month is actually another boring month. It is freaking just another holiday month........ Sorry to all muslim friend, I didn't mean it in bad way.

Anyway....

Instead of straightway resume my lazy butt to do costing report, I click on my facebook and then pops Ajax blog. It has been my routine lately because I got nothing else to do. By the way, today is Thursday. It is actually a party day as tomorrow all will be having plenty of time to sleep on day-off.
All that I have been doing.....During the day, I slept the whole day. The night I went with friend and when I get home resume the night with TV just at the corner in the bedroom.

Basically life circle around and around, really boring without thing to do. For the past two week keep on waiting and waiting for the news about new project. So far no news, perhaps it is the good news. So, shall wait some more. I don't know if this is the best strategy that I can play, they say it is best to wait instead of rushing and shows desperation. so I will wait.
Low activities, caused low brain cell, equal no brain stimulation... what a damn... usually I have so much to say about one small idea. I'm loosing my mind... of no... paranoia.

Meanwhile, to stimulate my brain, I create a chat with potential candidate for some office work. Well what can you expect from a simple minded and fresh graduate to reply....... As I'm very much looking to hear what they say about the question, I start to think of how to answer my own question... so the more I get reply the more emotional I get. Why they just can't have the brain that I have and answer it correctly instead of me correcting them with their lousy and simplified reply.

Nonetheless, my day still not that encouraging. All I ever think of is going to bed, going out after iftar, and spend the whole night out then back again and repeat.... perhaps tomorrow I will wake slightly early just like today... and do something.... I have to get ready and gear up before can go on full swing again. Too long at the "neutral" gear will not bring any good to me.

After all, reading Ajax's blog is one good thing to do. At least I laugh... and smile alone. Lucky not going crazy yet.

Suit the title, the content is pretty intense. I just don't know what to say... I'm entirely shuts from what so ever that normal human will do and ponder if there's nothing else around. Something like, home cook food, missing the little one, and etc...... I am getting hysterical (meroyan in Malay language). Nothing.... all I think of is wait another day after another day....
I must do something about this numbness... I need to talk to someone... I need to release emotion residual... anyone? or anything?

Pardon me....

p/s: Oh yeah.. I forgot to upload some pic for uols to view...nothing interesting, just hang around. since nothing else to do..

Ramadhan Blessing on 11th August 2010

On this day, I marked it as the day I decided not to dwell in the history of Pain.

Whatever happened before this I forgive you. May you have the peace to conducting your Ramadhan with joy and blessed.

Today, a friendship is safe. If it were just another stranger, perhaps I've forgotten about you my friend. Somehow, you are dear to me and I really missed you since the tragic lies (last 4th Aug, date of revelation).

I read about all the storyline that I've put in here. Its all remind me how much I missed you and how we used to be so happy to have each other around.

Today, you have come to the right sense of mind and answered me just the exact question. I made my mind yesterday. Shall you answered it differently, perhaps today is also a history for us. I am glad that on this first day of Ramadhan in the year of 2010, we get each other back.

Nothing more that I need to know other than just to hear you said that you have lost when we were apart. Me too, I felt the hollowness but I had to my friend. Otherwise our friendship will be meaningless. Believe me, we will learn together and we will be able to understand each other more in the future.

Ramadhan Al Mubaraq ya habibi. Salam ya alik'. Promised that we will never lie to each other, not even a white lie.

Life like fairytales

So much fun of looking back in the past few months.

Life have been so much better than it was. Fills with colorful hurdle and bumpy path.

I recalls the beauty of having feeling the lovely emotions and put them into this blog. When I read them again, its like reading my favorite books of life. I never imagine that I would say this, but its rock. I never know that I would love my own notes of publication. Sorry guys (or gals), I just can't be more creative other than appreciate my own accomplishment.

As I am feeling numb these day, I preparing my soul to be strong enough to face whatever that comes ahead of me. I guess I am ready, just don't know how much it will impact my life.

For the one that I care more than any others, I hope it will not changed as much it may seems at this point of time. Despite all the conflict we faced, and the dilemma along the way of our relationship, I hope that we are still true to our friendship. I am no longer jealous of your lover. He may rest his mind now. I am well prepare to accept the fact and let you go. Move on with your life as I should too. No matter how, I still would love to have you around and be as we was. Be close and talk about the thing we do not talk to anyone else. Not even with our best best friend. Maybe just slightly less perhaps, because we focus more on our daily life.

Well, I do wish you will be gaining my trust again. Just matter of time maybe. I can't promise, but if you are true about what you said yesterday, perhaps I will be able to ignore all the lies. I need you to be true to me no matter good or bad. We are no longer ordinary friend, yet we are much more than a lover, only slightly less than a sibling.

Perhaps, we shall refresh our memories to what we have promise each other before. We have to focus on what we want from each other. Just to know that we get over this hard time and move on to the next stage of friendship.

I am not much of expecting things that is out of my league, but there maybe something is waiting in front of me. I just don't see it yet. So keep finger cross. You may think that I should not do it, but I do want to explore and see where it will bring.

Maybe the love I shared with you will not be the same as I will have for that new person (R). Well, it is very common. Nothing to compare about you or (R). You are always the special one. Proven when I can't even think of any possible method to get rid of you from this head. But it will different with that new (R). I hope so and I would appreciate if you could be happy for me.

Wish me luck, now I already have my new song to hold on to. Its more motivating rather than making my eyes swelling tears. I have been stayed up all night watching TV and writing two journal on this blog. Well, kinda something I should do more I guess. To record down the history we had together. Will be good to read it again to remind us of our mistake and improve.

I guess, our song are never really meant for us. We have to hold on to another theme song and since you are now happily with your lover, I will cherish your happiness and bless you both.

But, if one day that we are happens to realised that our story is actually a fairytale. Please do not hesitate no more. We have had it enough hesitation in the past.

The Irony or Life Motivations

As always, life is full of irony.

Just the way I will write on this blog... just exact as http://my6thblog.wordpress.com (blog friend and actual close friend) would say if he read this.

What a typical Jerry, here again to write on some people would say bore. Well, I got nothing much to tell. Today it will be about the irony of living this live that we couldn't let go.

Two things actually happened to me for the past week. I was really cheerful about the feeling and news that I heard. But.... oh no, should not say but again. I would write it as the irony of being quite happy and couldn't see what is coming.

First, I was blinded by the trusting relationship. It is the fool in me just simply trusting the one that I care so much and allowed the lies. Well it is enough said in the previous journal. I should not repeating same story again and again.

Yet, was just few days ago. So many ironies “matter” that I encounter all within one week time. It’s all about the people that I care. At first it was something good to know about after a long time didn't calls home. I didn't see it coming as well. I didn't see it will hit me back with all that trusting "subjects".

At least the question was not about whose right or wrong. Just it is such an irony that this life is always encountered with such dilemma. Wish sometimes I could run away from it.

So, today I tried to remedies all the misunderstanding. Partly because I think it is worth to safe, and probably it is worth to give another try out. A chance. Another manipulations of emotion. Hoping the best out of it.

This journal will not sound much as a story line. I would rather note it as another day that I feel numb and emotionless. Unsure of what this emotion will brings me, I decided to wait and see the positive side.

And so, I decided to move on. Even yesterday it was such irony. There is nothing that is not irony about life. It is what we say it is and its just we make or want to think of the life experiences. Therefore, as best that I would always teach myself to be a positive thinker, I would say that is another jokes and laugh in one day.

Each day have it own unique of history, it never failed me to know what is next. You can plan every single nice single detail you would want for you beautiful year. Oh, probably more realistic to say, a beautiful week. Well, it usual turned out fine in the end no matter what happened in that week. Whether good or bad, we sane people will say that is part and puzzle of this life. Well, that phrase is exactly what we need whenever we feel numb, emotionless, and sad or down.

Oh gosh, this journal starts to become my new channel for self motivation. Well, forgive me reader, I couldn't help it. I write every single word that pops up in mind. Only more like speak it out by type it in here.

Since the topic is an "Irony"... then I should tell about another story that excites me. It is nothing special, but something as simple as a friendly nice sweet words in SMS from an acquaintance (most probably someone you liking), would cheer your hush day. Well it did cheer me up yesterday. It doesn't need to be something absolute, but what you think is what makes you happy. Keep on the positive Aura, and we will found bliss along the way.

Of course I am not talking about hallucination, just about keeping the "dreaming" to the state where it feeds your soul with happiness.

There you all read already about it. It is not always about keeping things real or solid to make yourself feel better. It is always a choice to make, either to be happy or sad. Well, of all choices, I will want to have more happiness in life. Can’t deny it as well, sometimes I do need to feed my soul with a little sadness, just to be sure that I am really alive. Not just living the live or "live dreaming".

p/s: The SMS said: " People laugh people cry, some give up some still try, some forget you but never will I" Thanks Rofa

What if tomorrow is my last

If tomorrow I know that I will not be here....

I will tell all that I am happy for having the love of world.
To be the beauty that will never fade in time, as I would want the world to remember me.
At least to some people, I am part of their life.

When I am gone, they would remember me every time they feel the breeze.
As I always touch their heart with warm smile and soft hand that hold them every time they need me.

I would love it every time they see the sunrise, they would thought of my cheerful life.
I would be smiling in my grave that they do look at the moon every chances they have, just to remember how do I shine parts of their life.

If I knew that tomorrow will not come, I would want you all to know that I love you.
I need the forgiveness that I probably didn't had the opportunity to say good bye.
I need you to remember me as I were alive.
I wish the spirit will live and free just the air will be.

Just know this, I will be always knowing that you will be happy in life.
If you feeling down or sad, Please remember the chat or small talks that we used to have.

If tomorrow never comes, I will be leaving with peaceful heart and smile when time is near.
It will be bless to be beautiful and shine in your memories of me.

History of my life, the end of a friendship

It was something that I never even thought that I will be facing with someone that I care so much in a friendship.

On 4th August 2010, life never seems to be the hardest thing to face, feeling is never been the ugliest expression that I would know. I was unable to shed any tear. My heart was shred to small pieces when I heart of a fact that I should be hearing from the one that I trust the most. My dear best friend. At least that is what I thought of this relationship I had with him.

Despite the love that I have for him, there is nothing else that could destroy our friendship. Nothing could ever I would be able to think of. Somehow, my weakness is to trust, giving the most honesty, sincerity, and truth with every generosity that I can find in my heart. My virtue are always and will be always stay put to have been true to my real friends.

How will I be able to forgive? I know it will be acceptable excuses if you gave it in the past few months back. But this lies that you hide from me this time is unforgivable because I was always asking about the truth because I know deep down in my heart, I can't hold up your life simple for my own selfishness. Yet, you have chose not to be honest with me. You make me feel that i am not worth to be trust as a friend and you do not have the faith in me. What will that make me? It obviously you never thought of me the same I thought of you as my special friend. It is far beyond anything, you always got me wrong. You treated me worst than a stranger on the street and lied to me about one specific question that I consistently asked you to be truth to me.

If it was few months back, I probably not ready to let you move on with your life. But that was few months ago, and I did told you that I was not ready then. The situation have changed this time. I am ready to let go and let you move on with your life. I make a choice to see you happy, and I encouraged you to find that happiness within your heart, just be truth to me when you found it. I will be happy for you.

Today, it is 6th August.
I never felt so much real about my decision to let go of you and I know it is the reality fact that I did the right thing when I asked you to choose your priority. You said I am not in the same "Scale". What did you mean by not the same "Scale". From then on, I knew that I am not even in any part of your thought. I am far beyond measure of having my friendship with you, because I was not even in the measuring "scale" as you said. I wonder,..... really opened my eyes and I woke up that you have put me last in your priority and decided to defense for your denial to have lied on my face.

I will move on, I still have my life. But to have you again is not as easy as it was. To make a friend is easy, because to open a new path in a friendship is set based on days onward. But to safe a broken friendship that is due to mislead lies, dishonest, unworthy trust, and hidden agenda will take certainly mounts of efforts to gain them back. Of course if you still want the friendship as it was. But if you do not want it, then probably just better let it go. Better be, a lesson learned in life.

I love myself more than anything, because that is the only way I can love my family, friends, and others. That also will be the virtue I deserves in any relationship.

What it take to be an honest and sincere friend? Does it kill? The answer is no. Honesty and sincerity will make relationship grow so huge that nothing can be compare of. I thought I have it with you my friend. But thank you for at least have let me felt love.

Can I ever forgive him? The answer is still unknown for now. But I can't promise anything until this lie subside and proven otherwise.

It is definitely difficult to believe a great friendship will end this way, Especially when they lied to your face when you trust them the most with your heart?

Will others that are having friendship just the way I have will agreed with my principles? Perhaps so.....
A good friend is never happened only on one side of a friendship. When its is a good friendship, there is no lies involve. I guess some people will never understand this. Because they do not have the same virtue....

That friend doesn't need my forgiveness. It is his choice he made. He have choose to treat a good friend worst than a stranger on the street. That choice doesn't need forgiveness. If he feel guilty about it and would want the forgiveness, then he should changed his choice and understand what it take to be a dear friend. Treat friend with respect, honesty, sincerity and boundless generosity.

Remember this--> to gain a friend is very easy, to gain a trust from a broken friendship is very difficult. If you think the friendship is worth something in your life, fixes it, make the efforts to show you are worth to be trust again.